Balance

A few days (or was it weeks?) ago, Kb casually commented that I have not written a blog in a while. I think I shrugged and said, that’s how it is. I have been so busy and tired of writing academic papers that I don’t want to write anything that I don’t need to write anymore.

I’ve always thought of myself as a balanced person. Even when I was a child, I knew that I would never be mentally ill. I am too rational to have a psychological problem. I don’t have phobias or traumas. I do fear cockroaches, and I would never touch them, but as I grew older, I found that I hate them (because they are so dirty!) more than fear them. I also fear ghosts and I never want to see or feel them, but that fear have not prevented me from doing things that I need to do, like stay in this apartment alone for several nights. I keep myself in check. Yes, I do have attitude flaws like everyone else, but I do know when I am being evil. I am too rational that I know what I’m doing wrong and I know what the solution should be. I realize my mistakes fast. If I don’t seem like I do, it’s because my pride got in the way, or because I do not know if I should retract.

I also think that I am physically balanced. I am neither thin nor fat. I have never been underweight nor overweight (the horror!) in my life. Not that I’m condemning people who are like that, but I would never want to be underweight or overweight. I was very thin when I was younger. I remember measuring my waist when I was in 6th grade and getting 21 inches. I got fatter now. About 5 inches more. I think I was malnourished when I was a kid. See, I am very very picky. I don’t eat when I don’t like the food. I’d rather go hungry. They were all saying that I was lucky I have food on the table unlike other children, but I don’t care. I think I was already too rational then to think that my eating the food wouldn’t feed those children. I think I cheekily retorted once that if that’s the case, then give my food to them. Of course, these only happen with our househelps. My parents were rarely home early enough to eat with us. I only get to eat enough on weekends when they’re there to see me eat. And enough doesn’t mean enough for my age, but rather enough for me. Our househelp even commented once that I eat like a cat: too little. Starting 4th grade, my classes end in the afternoon and so our househelp prepares me a packed lunch. But I rarely eat it because I don’t like the rice. When I get home and see that I don’t like the dinner, then I don’t eat dinner. But I don’t think I had ever been underweight because I am small as a kid, so my weight was still proportional to my height.

I like balance beams. That’s my favorite event in gymnastics in the Olympics. I like walking on narrow beams or benches. I could stand on tiptoe for a few seconds when I was younger. I like maintaining my balance.

Now I’m struggling. I can’t find my balance. I feel like I’m being pushed from all sides.