Twists and turns

I was in a meeting earlier tonight when he texted.

Mang Inasal mode.hahaha.

wahh. kagutom.

Haha.. Kain!

in a bit. nasa mtg pa ako para sa…

Ahhm.ok

Pangtanggal lang ng stress. Madami ko problema. Kesa uminom. Mas sulit ‘to. Hehe

gusto mo samahan kita?

Testing the water.

Kaw. Ok lang. Pero baka by that time tapos na ko. Hehe. Nasa mtg ka pa di ba. Tapusin mo na lang yan

I didn’t have to stay at the meeting because there is another rep from our group there.

Pupunta na ko.

‘Wouldn’t miss it for the world.

When I got there, he was already eating his 3rd cup of rice. I asked how many he can eat, and he said he can do three, but he’s going for four. I sighed with relief and we ate. It was his first meal of the day, he said. It was 7pm.

I was silent. I wanted to ask so many questions. Where were you? Why don’t I see you in org activities? Is it true that you’re working now? Are you lay low? Do you still plan to be active in the org? But I was afraid I might ask the wrong ones and antagonize him.

We talked about acads instead. He posted a status on facebook, the first time, I think, since we became friends there.

5exams and 4projects na lang tpos na ang sem na to :)

Interestingly, when he posted that last Thursday, I also have 5 exams and 4 papers to go. So I asked how many more he has, now that two days have passed. He said he still has three exams and 4 papers. Which is what I also have. Wow.

Contrary to what he said, he didn’t look like he was having so many problems. He looked refreshed, actually. I asked if he was from his dorm. He said yes.

I didn’t want to talk about acads anymore, so I fell silent again. He delved into the org matters. I didn’t know it at the time, but I guess he was gauging if he can tell me more. I guess there’s really something about talking to people who don’t really know you, and that’s probably why he’s okay with talking to me that way. Or maybe he trusts me. Haha. There’s the feeler in me talking.

He mentioned that he heard about isolation (about a member being isolated because of something, which he also joked about himself later). He talked about not being able to do org things and about not being able to talk that much with his groupmates. He was telling me what I wanted to know. It was awkward, and I was struggling to choose the right words to say to him so that I can motivate him to be active again. Then he said something that made it harder for me.

After this sem, he is going to stop studying and will be working instead.

That meant that we will see less of him, maybe we won’t be seeing him at all. That meant he will be inactive. That meant he will be cutting ties with the org, with us.

He said he has a problem with one of his major subjects, that he might fail.

Di ba pwedeng part-time na lang?

Tinatamad na rin akong mag-aral.

Pero akala ko gusto mo yang course mo? Di ba sabi mo?

Oo. Yung isang major lang na yun (ang hindi).

I didn’t know what to say. I know he has financial problems as well. I think it was just too much for him. We finished eating.

Gusto mo ng ice cream?

Sige. Libre mo?

Oo.

We went to Mcdo for sundaes. We were able to talk more there. I understood why he was doing what he was doing. I also understood why he was MIA the past couple of months. And honestly, I felt sad that I couldn’t do anything. Not that I really can’t. I could have. But his doubts are my doubts, his fears are my fears. The only difference is that I have something to suppress those doubts. And I do have it better than he does. I have a circle of friends who accepts that I am part of the org. My LTO is a proud member of the reds. I’m the spoiled girl whose family is in Michigan. I can basically do whatever I want without my family ever knowing. He can’t just do whatever he want. His mother already talked to him about the org… crying. And his org and friends are afraid that they’d be grouped with our org.

I tried to explain how I suppressed those doubts. That it’s not like that. That with the current system, we can’t not do anything. That what we’re doing is better than keeping quiet. But I didn’t have an answer to his other issues. As I said, I don’t experience what he experience, and therefore I don’t have the right to comment.

I tried, one last time, as we were leaving Mcdo.

What if i-set mo na kapag pumasa ka dun sa major na yun, itutuloy mo na? Kasi di ka na naman delayed pag ganon.

Kapag nagdecide na ako, yun na yun eh.

…

Sige, dito na ko. Ingat.

In the end, I failed the org and I failed myself. I wasn’t able to help him at all. Because, really, what could I have done? I was liberal, subjective, and afraid of being too hardcore. And I was startled by everything he said. I hope I was able to clear some things to him, though.

I remember hearing his groupmates talk highly of him just a couple of months back, about how his ideological level is so high at that early stage. I remember being ashamed of myself  and my conservatism as I hear them talk about him saying that they should recruit more so that when the others go on to bigger things, there will be second liners who can step up. I guess I need to remind him of that. As to when, I don’t know yet.

Sigh… And I thought the ice cream will work.