(Law) Freshman Jitters

April 6, 2012

Eto na talaga. Na-download ko na yung curriculum ng UP Law. Binabrowse ko na ang website nila. Mamaya maglalog-in na ko sa peyups.com at makikisali sa usapan ng mga law students at incoming freshmen. Eto na talaga, excited na ako.

Pero kaakibat ng saya ay takot. What if hindi pala ako magaling? What if bumagsak ako sa exams? What if hindi ko kayanin yung pressure? What if in the middle of it all, I found out I’m not lawyer-material, that I can’t make it? What if I want to stop?

It was so funny how I learned I passed. I was clueless. I wasn’t expecting the results to be out until a week after. So when a friend posted congratulations on my wall on Facebook that fateful night, I was like, “huh?” And then she gave me the link and I saw and I was jumping all over CMC, my student council civil image be damned.

I got in. I’m going to be a lawyer. I’m going to stay in the Philippines for another four years to study. My future has direction again, at least in the next four years.

I messaged my Dad on chat, all caps no less, and linked him the page. I’ve never seen him so happy. I’ve never been that happy. I was like a Yes Man, agreeing to whatever my friends asked—like free sundaes or free movie.

I didn’t expect to get it. I wasn’t able to prepare for it. I was too busy with thesis, org activities, elections and stuff to enroll in review classes, so I decided to just get sample exams. And then I got sick on the week of the exams, so I wasn’t able to use the samples. I woke up late on the morning of the exams, I used a number 2 Mongol pencil instead of the required number 1, didn’t have breakfast so I just survived on the two bars of snickers I had fortunately bought before running to Econ Audi. In the middle of it all, I was dizzy maybe because of hunger, the fever, or the exam.

After LAE, I saw friends from UP Manila and we ranted about it. Then Giro got out of his exam room and, while walking toward me, traced his fingers from the corners of his eyes and down his cheek, mock-signifying crying. I mimicked him and then I actually stupidly cried. I sobbed. I thought it was so damn hard and that I’ll never get in.

For weeks after that I pushed the thought of it in my mind. It was only after elections that I was able to think about it. Even then, I refused to look up anything about UP Law, didn’t prepare for getting in in any way, so that I won’t be disappointed when I fail. I chatted with my Dad and asked him what he thought. Ever dependable, he told me to do whatever I want. He even lectured me that he wanted me to take Engineering, but I took Journ, so panindigan mo yan! Pinapanindigan ko naman eh. T_T

Of course, this conversation became moot when I passed. For weeks after that, I was in a happy haze. The thought of passing LAE stopped me from doing drastic things during the dark days of our thesis. And as my friends said whenever I rant, “Ok lang yan, nakapasa ka namang LAE eh.” I roll my eyes but I admit it’s like a very strong patronus, shielding me from any form the boggart takes.

And then one afternoon while we were talking about what grad gifts we’ll as our parents, Giro told me I’d need the book stand for when I’m studying in Law.

Wait. Study? Eff.

I don’t study anymore. Four years in Journ stamped the need for memorization or actual studying out of me. So that’s when the pessimism started, coupled with the fear of not living up to the expectations—of other people’s and mine.

Yes, it’s too early to know. Just cold feet, I guess. Not enough to make me want to turn back. I think this is the fear of making a mess out of something I want so badly. If in Journ I can think that it’s okay if I didn’t get high grades for news articles because I won’t be a reporter anyway, in Law school I don’t have that kind of excuse anymore. If I screw this up, then I’m screwing my career, the career I’ve dreamed about since high school but was too scared to admit. I’m such a coward that I’m scared of admitting that I want anything until I’m sure of getting it.*

First world problems, yeah. But still. Anyway, it’s not like I’m going to forget the more important things. I just need to put this down on paper. For in writing is how I make sense of everything.


*Parang love lang. :))